Review: The Shape of Water Is A Confusing Mess That Overestimated The Size of My Bladder

Guillermo del Toro’s “The Shape of Water” is a valiant attempt to inject creativity into the “star-crossed lovers” trope that ultimately winds up a convoluted, overwrought mess. The film, which clocks in at a blader-punching two hours, follows a horny pool cleaner (Sally Hawkins) or something as she engages in a splashy romance with some kind of frog boy (Doug Jones), and that’s about as far as I could follow it because ten minutes in to my viewing I realized I have never had to pee so bad in my entire life.

Set at the height of the Cold War, the film includes a bitter rivalry between the United States Army, or possibly Navy, and some Russian secret agents who are, like, kind of the good guys but still Russian so I don’t know. Also, they both want to use frog boy to win the Space Race? I must have been in the restroom when they explained how that’s supposed to work.

The film ends in a predictable Hollywood happy ending, I assume, as by that point I was filled to the back of my eyeballs with cherry Dr. Pepper. I swear I ordered a small, but that goddamn bucket they gave me wouldn’t even fit in the cupholder. Point being that no amount of sexy time between horny lady and frog boy could have distracted me from the fact that this movie about water had triggered a biblical opening of my floodgates.

But despite all its flaws, the film does manage to shine in one aspect: it’s dedicated and accurate representation of the scientific process. Take for instance the scene in which they discuss the specifics of space toilets that can operate in zero gravity down to the operation of the flushing mechanism. Although to be fair, there’s maybe a 40% chance that I hallucinated that part after the urine stockpiled in my kidneys had developed into a life-threatening infection.

So there you have it. “The Shape of Water” is a bladder-damaging whirl of amphibious dick clutching which should only be viewed from a remote screen hanging above a theatre urinal. Be advised, eating an entire drum of popcorn will do nothing to soak up the gallons of fetid urine building inside of you.