Film Industry Under Fire as "Motion Pictures" Revealed To Be Lots of Still Pictures One After Another
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — An explosive report revealing that “motion pictures,” or “movies” for short, were in actuality a series of still pictures one after another Friday morning sparked global backlash to the so-called film industry, shocked sources confirmed.
“I went down a wikipedia rabbit hole the other night and stumbled upon this thing called the Kinetoscope where someone could view one picture at a time through a peephole. Turns out, modern film projectors and TVs basically do the same thing but faster. I can prove it,” said freelance journalist Josh Kuleshov as he paused his Redbox-obtained copy of The New Mutants and hit the ‘frame-by-frame’ button. “How could we, as a society, have been misled like this? I shudder to think of boardrooms of rich studio executives plotting how to profit off this egregious lie next.”
Cinema attendance has plummeted since the news, sending entertainment-hungry citizens to other avenues.
“I've mostly been listening to podcasts since all this stuff went down," one former film aficionado declared. "It supports the little guys. It’s inspiring how podcasters start broadcasting live on-air whenever you hit play. They must wait by their computers all day. That's real dedication. It would honestly crush me if it came out that everything was, like, pre-recorded."
Millions of complaints from moviegoers who had been potentially tricked into enjoying large amounts of art photography prompted a response from government officials.
“Today, a hurt and confused nation has asked many things," said Carol Zou, U.S. Department of Arts and Culture chief. "How can we heal? Who knew? How do that many pictures fit on one camera? Have actors had their souls ‘captured’ only once, or potentially millions of times? We can’t be sure.”
“However, it is imperative we answer these questions for the American people. As such, we are formally requesting that congress launch an extensive investigation into Hollywood’s deceitful practices. There is simply no better use for billions of taxpayer dollars at this point in history.”
At press time, an internet petition to “Rename Movies ‘Stillies’” had received 3.5 million signatures.
